what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
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While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*