Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
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a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself