“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.