If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.