The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.