Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.