I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.