Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Fidel Castro was alive?
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.