@chelliet22

Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!

@chelliet22

Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.

@chelliet22

My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.

I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.

@chelliet22

Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!

Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*

@chelliet22

I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.

Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.

@chelliet22

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

@chelliet22

You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.

@chelliet22

Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.

@chelliet22

Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.