A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
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I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.