how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
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On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.