Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
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I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap