Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath