I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one