Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb