Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar