Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort