Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime