“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
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I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Hero horse inspires millions
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”