@chimneyspotter

You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that

@chimneyspotter

*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?

@chimneyspotter

DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL

@chimneyspotter

DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft

@chimneyspotter

What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”

@chimneyspotter

DR: Are you sexually active?
ME: Very
DR: Eating donuts alone in your car doesn’t count
ME: Still yes
DR: Neither do croissants
ME: Then no

@chimneyspotter

I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”

@chimneyspotter

GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!

@chimneyspotter

WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt

@chimneyspotter

[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?