@chimneyspotter: *reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
@chimneyspotter: DATE: ...so that's how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
@chimneyspotter: DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
@chimneyspotter: What idiot called it "CSI: France - Murder in a Bakery" instead of "Baguette and Tag It"
@chimneyspotter: DR: Are you sexually active?
DR: Eating donuts alone in your car doesn't count
ME: Still yes
DR: Neither do croissants
ME: Then no
@chimneyspotter: I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as "when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink"
@chimneyspotter: GOOD COP: Give us a name!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I'll talk, please just stop!
@chimneyspotter: WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
@chimneyspotter: [creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
G: And food
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes