“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
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Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.