[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*