@chopper4jk

Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.

@chopper4jk

Text: How come you stopped drinking?

Me: Because I kept waking up with you.

Her: I hate you.

@chopper4jk

I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.

@chopper4jk

When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!

@chopper4jk

My son wants to change his given Indian name, so I told Broken Condom he could change it if he really wants to. Kid’s these days…

@chopper4jk

If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.

@chopper4jk

If I had 9 lives I’d stick my butthole in your face too.

@chopper4jk

I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.

@chopper4jk

I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.