Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
My son wants to change his given Indian name, so I told Broken Condom he could change it if he really wants to. Kid’s these days…
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
If I had 9 lives I’d stick my butthole in your face too.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.