My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.