Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
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My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?