[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Seems a bit forward
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.