You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?