Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
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Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
lol
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.