Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
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a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.