Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
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The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.