ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad