@chuuew
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
@chuuew
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
@chuuew
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
@chuuew
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
@chuuew
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
@chuuew
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
@chuuew
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
@chuuew
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
@chuuew
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
@chuuew
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do