@chuuew

ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]

WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?

@chuuew

[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale

@chuuew

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?

DOG: Correct

@chuuew

DATE: I love heavy metal

ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium

@chuuew

I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.

@chuuew

WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?

ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!

@chuuew

ME: [gets into a car accident]

EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives

@chuuew

SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…

@chuuew

[pulled over]

COP: Did you know you were speeding?

ME: I didn’t even know I was driving

COP: Out

@chuuew

BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do