Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
You Might Also Like
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Go hard or stay average
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.