JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]