DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]