Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.