@citizenkawala

[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]

NO. DEAR GOD, NO!

@citizenkawala

Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.

@citizenkawala

Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.

@citizenkawala

If you’re depressed, start exercising.

You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.

@citizenkawala

How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?

Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.

@citizenkawala

93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.