I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.