I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.
Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.
I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.
Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.
Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.