Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
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Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
good work, detective
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.