@clichedout

nurse: height

me: i’m 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what

@clichedout

kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend

me:

kidnapper:

me: which friend

@clichedout

just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now

@clichedout

my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today

me: inflation, right?

my grandpa: security cameras

@clichedout

ME: I trained my cat to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: abbreviate Maine

CAT: me-

ME: what I say when I’m hurt

CAT: -ow

HER: this sucks

ME: just wait

CAT: we’re just getting started Linda

@clichedout

me: [offering joint] wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before

@clichedout

genie: what’s your 3rd wish

me: i wish u had amnesia

genie: what’s your 1st wish

@clichedout

nurse: height

me: 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what