My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN


nurse: how do you rate ur pain

me: zero stars


me: would not recommend


nurse: name?

me: david

nurse: age?

me: 35

nurse: sex?

me: almost once


fedex guy: here’s your package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces


me: we have a problem

her: what

me: we got invited to a coldplay concert

her: i love coldplay

me: we have 2 problems


her: i love bad boys

me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am


fed ex guy: here’s ur package

me: thx

fed ex guy: sign

me: [blushing] scorpio


me: i need an appointment for tomorrow

receptionist: how about 9

me: no i only need one