COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish