nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING