my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol