nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?