nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk