[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent