feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys