Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look