Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music