[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now