flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
oh u like history? name everything that happened
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually