her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a