CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.